Lana the Llama
by bec7012
Summary: For some inexplicable reason Lana becomes a Llama. Warning: not for Lana fans


**Disclaimer: i do not own Smallville and even if i did i wouldn't do this to it. **

**A/N I'm so so sorry, i was bored beyond belief and this just came out so i though i might as well post it. Lana fans don't read -llama fans please do. No flames please. **

**Chapter 1: A chapter consisting of more interesting things that I could have written about. **

The talon was swarming with customers but Lana was not working, instead she was gazing into space dreamily contemplating whether this episode she was supposed to be hopelessly in love with Clark only to be terribly let down with him, or to be temporarily moving on with her life until he made a heroic reappearance.

Not at all worried by the fact that it was 2.30 in the afternoon, Lana decided to close the Talon and visit Clark, so that she could establish how she was suppose to act today. Without bothering to ask the customers to leave, or even inform them that the coffee shop was closing; she left locking them all inside. Amongst these customers was Pete Ross, who had decided to visit Smallville and all of his old friends for the day. This is completely irrelevant, though quite sad, as he was to spend all day trapped inside the talon, depriving him of his only role; worrying if he will let Clark's secret slip.

Walking down the street, Lana passed a number of interesting and exciting things though she noticed none of them, as she was distracted planning how she would bring up the sorrow of her parents untimely demise by meteor, today. The first thing she passed was her good friend Chloe making out with eccentric, and evil billionaire Lionel Luthor; there is an interesting and extremely complicated supernatural explanation to this, which probably would have made a far more interesting story to read, unfortunately it would not have been such a blatant promotion of the HFLA and therefore I shall continue with this tale.

After this she failed to notice Martha Kent run by dressed as a chicken, this too has a far more interesting tale behind it but once again it shall remain untold.

Next, a tall attractive man in a curious blue and red suit, that had she of noticed him would have seemed strangely familiar (the man not the suit), flew by part way through the most curious time travel adventure.

Following him, on foot I might add, came a young businesswoman who would also have seemed strangely familiar, had Lana noticed her. One must be amazed that even Miss Lang could have missed this scene as this mysterious woman was yelling rather loudly after the flying man, "You lied to me! How could you not tell me this! Clark Kent get your alien self back here now so we can return to our own time! Stupid red Kryptonite!"

Finally, she walked past a truck pulling up right beside her, the driver winding down the window and asking, "hey miss? Can you tell me where Grandville is? I have a delivery of paperclips for a company there." Surprisingly this had the most interesting of all stories behind it, and he would have told it all to Lana Lang as well had she not been totally oblivious to his presence. Instead he drove of muttering angrily only to be landed on by a flying man in a red suit.

But as I said before none of these things are of any relevance to this story, so I won't mention them. Instead I shall get on with story.

Suddenly, for no reason other than the authors dislike of the character and because her name sounds a little like llama, Smallville's favourite ex cheerleader turned into one.

**Chapter 2: I'm very unhappy**

Most people, on becoming a llama, which happens surprisingly more often than you'd think, realise immediately. For some people it's the fact that they sprout extra legs and fur that gives it away, others discover their transformation due to the fact that they lose the ability to speak and gain the ability to make llama noises. Some unfortunate souls find out about it when they gain an uncontrollable desire for a hat but lose the ability to purchase any kind of headwear. Lana Lang however, realising none of these things she walked on using all four of her legs and flicking her fur in a very feminine way, as for the craving for hats; Lana Lang had always had a very strong love of clothing including hats so didn't notice the difference, but unfortunately due to her tendency to get kidnapped by meteor freaks very rarely succeeded in buying one.

At this point something very interesting and puzzling happened to Lana, she lost the urge to think about her dead parents, and for a brief and unenjoyable moment realised that everyone would be so much happier if she died, or inexplicably changed into an Asian mountain inhabiting mammal. This thought was brief and fleeting, and Lana soon returned to pining for her long dead family and completely ignoring the loss of her dear Aunt Nell who had in fact raised her and loved her for 12 years, but she doesn't deserve mention for she is not Lana Lang's dear departed parents who died tragically by being crushed by a meteor.

'I'm very unhappy' thought Lana, 'I am beautiful, wonderful and popular. Everybody loves me including Clark and Lex and every other guy in town, I somehow manage to achieve everything I ever want but I llama Lang am terribly unhappy due to the absence of my long dead parents who I barely remember.'

Walking down the road she walked straight past Clarks house and into a field where she stood for a long time very unhappily, not realising how much time passed. Everyone else's lives continued with little change; the meteor freaks tended to target the much more deserving target of Chloe Sullivan but kept making the mistake of calling her Lana when they did so, to ease this confusion she decided to change her name to Lana Lang and even died her hair brown. She lived Lana's life, very happily and very well until eventually, as part of a very confusing and very interesting tale which I once more shall ignore, found her self transported through time and reality where in a 1970's version of Smallville in which she looked like Martha Kent and had a young son called either Billy or Joey, because she never watched the old films enough. He grew up very confused due to his two names but made lots of money and married the child of Clark Kent and Lois Lane, who in this reality was not Chloe's cousin.

Clark inevitably grew up into superman and saved the world whilst having a career as a world famous reporter in his spare time. He dated Lois Lane without telling her his secret before getting transported back in time with her where, she upon seeing the teenage Clark without glasses realised the truth, threw the closest thing, which happened to be a piece of red Kryptonite, at him and chased him through the town, (what do you know I did tell that story,) before miraculously returning to their own time forgiving him and marrying him.

Jonathon Kent spent the remainder of his short life dispensing advice to as many people as possible and spending more time than can have been healthy being **coughs embarrassedly** intimate with his wife. It was this, and not his interaction with Jor el, as is commonly believed, which caused his untimely demise.

Pete cracked 10 minutes into being locked in the Talon and told everyone in the vicinity Clark's secret, they thought he was crazy and locked him up. He was later released when the Superman appeared and everyone realised Pete was right, of course they after realising Clark's secret and releasing Pete they were all hit by a mysterious memory ray and forgot it all. He went on to join the HFLA and eventually put a hat on the mysterious Llama that had been on the Kent Farm for as long as anyone could remember.

On receiving her hat Lana the Llama became very happy, although of course she still didn't know she was a Llama, and remained in the field for the rest of eternity.

SUPPORT THE HFLA (HATS FOR LLAMA'S ASSOCIATION) TODAY – GO ON MAKE A LLANA HAPPY!


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